dahlkemper

This waiting room is enormous. Bigger than the infant room. It makes me nervous with itapos;s soft greens and lush plant life springing from the corners. I could take an intense nap here if only my breast wasnapos;t about to be digitally mapped. Weird. I am the youngest person here and I feel eyes burning into me with sympathy. "Why are you here? Youapos;re so young. Your breasts are still alive with years to come." Yeah, I know. I donapos;t know why Iapos;m here either. To ease everyone elseapos;s worries. I know my body and I am absolutely convinced that this is a hormone imbalance thing. Lump or no lump, I am fine . . . Medically that is.

The older I get the more I can hear my body speaking to me. As I age, the communication between my physical self and my conscious and unconscious thinking becomes stronger and more clear.

Now birds are singing on the loudspeaker where there should be music. This make me even more intoxicated with the idea of taking a nap. Imagining myself outside under the sun. I am heartsick for summer and the freedom it brings to be outside. I am also heartsick for what pleasure this summer brought. Even through all the open boxes of distress - heartbreak, fear, even death - I found moments of intense joy and understanding of myself.

Tonight, I was with Brian and I couldnapos;t find a receipt he was looking for. He was noticeably irritated with me because I was rustling through my pockets blindly, in a typical Jamie moment. Unorganized. But I had a moment, ever so brief, of not giving a fuck. Thatapos;s who I am. I am unorganized. Take me as I am or leave me be. I know I have some issues and I am ALWAYS pressing forward, trying to improve. Hoping to find these small, "learnable" moments. I am doing my best and being irritated and bombarding me with negativity will not even nudge me in the right direction.

I scrambled to held onto the moment but it faded a little into the background of the situation and I found myself being pulled back into the depths of people pleasing. Maybe if I find this receipt, Brian wonapos;t be so mad at me and the mood will lighten. But Brianapos;s impatience is not my battle, itapos;s his. And I obviously need to find some more "learnable" moments to sail away with. Hmmmm. Tahiti sounds nice and warm.
dahlkemper, dahlke ted, dahlke dredge, dahlke.